Death jokes

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

The orphanage said I couldn't go home.

Your dad is gone.

Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.

Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...

He fell from a tower.

If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

"Racecar" spelled backwards is "racecar," but "racecar" sideways is how Paul Walker died.

What do you call a dead hooker?

It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.

I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.