Death jokes
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He had a computer virus!
Did the tree high five the emos?
No, he just left them hanging.
George Floyd in a nutshell.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.
Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?
Because Sally wrote the invitations!
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby!
How do you kill a Catholic?
Crucify them...
How did Steven Hawking die?
He forgot his log on password.
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Why did the wall fall over?
A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.