Death jokes

He's dead now.

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"

At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"

There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.

Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.

Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

The orphanage said I couldn't go home.

Your dad is gone.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

What do you call a dead hooker?

It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.