Death jokes

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

An emo texted a tree, "Wanna hang out?"

The tree ghosted her.

What is the best cure for aging?

Suicide.

What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.

What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."

What game do emo kids love the most? Hangman.

What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?

They both leave you hanging.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

Wow, Heaven's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be.

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.

If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestler's legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip.”

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him, “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified.”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls.”

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.