Death jokes
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
Memes
Shitpost-master general
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up?
She had no friends.
Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Not Sally...