Death jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
Memes
exactly
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn't she get up?
She had no friends.
Knock Knock (Who's there?)
Not Sally...