Death jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
exactly
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
They named a road after George Floyd. It was a dead end, though.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"