Death jokes

What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?

I don't worship Jesus.

Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?

Jack: Bad News first.

Mother: I'm dying!

Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.

Mother: *cries*

Jack was never seen again.

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

Give Kobe a plane ticket, he'll fly for the trip, but give Kobe a helicopter and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS!!!

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.

Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

Did you hear about the dead artist?

Too many strokes.

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

What’s the difference between an emo kid and a dead pig?

Suicide squad.

My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.