Death jokes
Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because he was dead.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
"Wheel" all miss him, right?
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What does a bar fly and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both enjoy a cold one once in a while.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
What’s the difference between a leaf and an emo kid falling out of a tree? The leaf reaches the ground.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Yo mama is so fat that a whole forest grew on her, but it was sad because she really smells, so the forest died.
I could be red, I could be orange, I could be yellow, I could be green, I could be blue, I could be purple, but I would be dead.
Do you ever consider during the cremation that the meat is well done?
What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?
They both don't last a while.
Why did the orphan dig six feet under?
To find his parents.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.