Death jokes
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
What’s the difference between an emo kid and a dead pig?
Suicide squad.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Did you hear about the dead artist?
Too many strokes.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.
Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.
Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.
Mom: No, honey, I killed him.
I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.
You don't want to know why it takes so long to put a dead woman in a mass-produced coffin in a pre-buried grave dug by machinery that is then filled by mourners.
Why did Steven Hawkins die?
Because he got a virus.
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
What goes pop pop sizzle sizzle?
Two dead babies in an acid bath.
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.