Death jokes
I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove box.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
I remember my grandma's last words:
"What are you doing with that axe?"
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
What's the grossest thing ever?
A bag of dead babies.
What's even more gross?
The bottom one is still wriggling!
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.