Death jokes
What's worse than a truck full of dead babies? One alive at the bottom.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.
Q: Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
A: Everywhere.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Steven Hawking's death, you should've gotten a case.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.
If Stephen Hawking was walking, they would have a hawk problem.
20 fridges are loaded onto a plane, only 19 come off. Okay, moving on. You took too long.
How many steps does it take to put an elephant into a fridge? (*Their reply* I don't know how many.)
3, Open the fridge, put the elephant into the fridge, and close the door. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? (*Their reply* 3...)
Wrong. 4, Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door. Why did Sally fall off the swing? A fridge fell on her.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.
The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.
The guys show up and the guards shoot them.
The guys die because the guards used real guns.
I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.