Death jokes
Cut.
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he had no BODY to go with!
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Why can't orphans have a funeral? Because their parents won't be there.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
What does a bullet and milk have in common? They both take out your dad.
The reason Stephen Hawking died was because he switched WiFi routers from Sky to Virgin, so his computer lagged out.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
What did Stevie Wonder see when he got murdered?
Nothing.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
Why did lil Timmy drop his lollies?
He was hit by a train.
What's the difference between my basement and my garage?
One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.