what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.
I had a fun funeral / birthday.
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
I want to die.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?
There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
Roses are red, I don't know why, Living is hard, I want to die.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
I love my family when they're buried alive.
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
What were Princess Diana's last words?
Have you been Dri...?
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
