Death jokes
So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.
The tree left him hanging though.
I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"
Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.
Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?
They're the same thing.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My parents are like the Twin Towers, only one came back.
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Kobe got irl canceled.
An orphan saw a tornado, and he thought he saw his mom, but then he realized it was a corpse and said, "Hi, Dad!"
Why are orphans good at math? Because they can subtract their parents from the family.
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
How do you get an orphan's hands to bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home!