My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
Death Jokes
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana’s head before she died?
The steering wheel.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
I hope death is a woman. That way, she'll never come for me.
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Your Nan.
WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
I can tell a joke :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there's a car Coming like a shooting star. I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Why are the Twin Towers actually twins?
Their birth and death date are the same.
Two Twin Towers topple to terrorists terrorizing twenty to-be-doomed trip takers.
