Death jokes
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?
You don’t need consent.
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."