As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...
Death Jokes
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
What has 4 wheels, no wings, and flies?
A dead cripple.
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?
A lazy bones!
Don't commit suicide, that stuff kills you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
How do stars die?
Normally, an overdose.
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
