Death jokes
When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?
Alphaville - "Forever Young."
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Who is not hungry in Africa?
A dead person.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."
Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."