Death jokes

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?

House of Pain—"Jump Around."

Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?

Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.

Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.

What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

......

What's the difference between Rorochan and skydivers?

One does it for the cash, the other for the views.

Kobe likes his shoes like the way he died.

Air.

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?

Alphaville - "Forever Young."

The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"

The dad: "Everywhere."

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”