Dead jokes

He's not dead, his batteries have run out.

Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.

It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

I wish I was a dinosaur because all of them are dead.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

New horror movie idea.

The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands?

Because he is DEAD.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. It's not dead, just afraid to move.

The real dead hooker joke is on all of us from the Fraser Valley in BC. You know damn well each and everyone of us ate that Pickton hooker pork. Considering it stretching from the 80's-2000's, pretty sure he got 4 generations of Valley folk with that Pickton pork.

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."