Day jokes

If you have a bad day, go tell an orphan to find his parents. He will be searching all day.

Quote of the day:

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

Chao!!!

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Why do orphans not like July 24th??

Because it's Parents Day.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Hello, everyone, how is your day today?

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

What is shark's favorite day?

Chewsday.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

What day should you drink water?

Thursday, Thirstday!

Attention! Has anyone noticed that Watersharky and Kitten are dating? It's strange because they haven't said anything for 28 DAYS!!! They been keeping it a secret...(I guess). Someone needs to keep track of this. GOD, I just thought further into life with their relationship. DON'T DO THAT.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

At night time, in Africa, it's known as the darkest country. Till this day, I still wonder why.

Why is 4/20 such an epic date?

Because it's weed day, Columbine, AND Hitler's birthday;)

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...