Day jokes

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

One day an orphan threw a boomerang, but it came back, just like its parents.

Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?

Myla: I went to a restaurant.

Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?

Timmy: I went to a concert.

Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?

Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.

What day are twins born the most?

Toos-day.

I don't care if I got beat the first day you were born. Your momma asked for a receipt!

On the day of 9/11, the WTC's ordered cheese and pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

A salamander came by me the other day and he AXOLOTL questions. Ba dum tss!!!

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Why did the orphan go outside the school?

Answer: Because it was take your parents to school day.

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

There was a man. He took a right. He took another right. He took a last right. Why did he stop?

Hi! I love that you love a good time of my day.

Hi, how are you doing today?

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

What did the water say to the cup?

"Good day!"

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?

Because they don't have a Father's Day.

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Yo mama so fat that if she didn't eat for a day, there would be enough food to feed Africans for 500 years.