Day Jokes

One Tuesday afternoon, Little Jonny decides he wants extra homework, so he went to his teacher and said, "Hello, can I have extra homework this week?"

The teacher replied with, "Sure, be at my house Friday afternoon to cut my lawn, polish the counters, scrub the baseboards, scrub and paint the walls!"

And Johnny replied with, "That's not what I meant, but at least I'll get paid!"

The teacher said, "How about $200 each job?"

Johnny replied with, "OK."

Friday afternoon at her house, after Johnny does all the jobs, he asked for his payment and the teacher laughed and said, "You do know that Tuesday was April Fools' Day, right?"

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Roses are red, violets are blue, at the end of the day, you're gay.

Some people could say that the sky was falling that day,

one second they saw the sun and the next they saw heaven.

The day I saw people asking Lebron James whether he liked to play basketball, my thoughts be like: wait, so Lebron James is gay cuz he likes to play with them balls.

- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.

- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Llama: Hey sheep, let's play cards.

Sheep: Llama, fuck off!!

Llama: What's your damn problem?

Sheep: Nothing, I'm just having a Baahd day, okay dick head?

What would you call the previous president when he is having a bad day?

Donald Grump.

Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.

Q: What's the first day of the week in outer space?

A: Moonday!

How does a rapper start his day?

With a MIC check!

Yo mama is so old that she was born on the first day the universe existed.

Him: I work with animals all day.

Her: Awwww what do you do?

Him: I'm a pornstar.

We were talking about ancient ruins last week, so I said they can ruin your day!

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

You know how Stephen is smart, which class did he skip?

Leg day.

We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

What is the best time!? 6:22 a.m.

I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"