Day

Day jokes

Sky

Some people could say that the sky was falling that day,

one second they saw the sun and the next they saw heaven.

Ball

The day I saw people asking Lebron James whether he liked to play basketball, my thoughts be like: wait, so Lebron James is gay cuz he likes to play with them balls.

Kid

- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.

- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Sheep

Llama: Hey sheep, let's play cards.

Sheep: Llama, fuck off!!

Llama: What's your damn problem?

Sheep: Nothing, I'm just having a Baahd day, okay dick head?

President

What would you call the previous president when he is having a bad day?

Donald Grump.

Orphan

Why are there only 362 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's Day, Mother's Day, or Family Day.

Mama

Yo mama is so old that she was born on the first day the universe existed.

Pornstar

Him: I work with animals all day.

Her: Awwww what do you do?

Him: I'm a pornstar.

Ruin

We were talking about ancient ruins last week, so I said they can ruin your day!

Dog

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

Number

We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).

Walk

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

Grandpa

I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"

Girl

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

Prize

Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.

I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.

Sugar

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa.

Eating sugar?

Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.

Smoking? Telling lies?

Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.