Day Jokes

John : hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming

Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

if you ever get bored tell an orphan to take two days off their calendar if they ask why say because your missing fathers day and mother’s day

A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What's got you down" The man says "I just found out my Niece is gay." The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks "What's got you down now?" The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says "My wife does."

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

people talking me asking whats the worst day in the year for them. Person 1: The first day of school cause i don't like going to school

Person 2: Valentines day cause its to lovey

Me: oh nice mines my birthday cause its when i was born

So the other day i saw a child in a wheelchair

he was getting bullied alot so i came up

And said why dont you stand up to those bullies

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

when my grandpa was 65 he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

he's 70 now and we have no idea where he is

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I got a orphan a Iphone 6 I told him to press the home button he has been doing it all day

*One day u see a girl climb a pole and ask her* Why are u climbing that pole Because a boy payed me to He did that to see your underwear Oh. Ok *next day u see her do the same thing* why are u ding the same thing Well I got him this time. I did not wear underwear

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

Do you know what my favorite time of day is? 6:30 HANDS DOWN.

One day there were two muffins in an oven, one of the muffins said, "man its hot in here." The other one said "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, 'why are you crying my son?' 'my parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died,' 'it's just not your day today is it' Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.