Day jokes

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?

A lazy bones!

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

America's police phone number is 911 because that is the day they lost everything.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

I got sad today.

It's a Italy day outside the fields.

I was playing hide-n-seek with my dad and he hid, but I could never find him till this day.

What does Stephen Hawking press after he's had a hard day?

F5

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

Orthodox Christians are a little slow; they take 13 days to get the joke. So go easy on them, alright?

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

Someone who COUNTS BARS all day!

What's a rapper's favorite day of the week?

FREESTYLE FRIDAY!

Comedy is so woke these days. You can't make fun of any disadvantaged group.

Except people with Alzheimer's. They'll just forget you made the joke in five minutes anyway.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

Halloween. The day we celebrate your face.