Day jokes

Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?

Myla: I went to a restaurant.

Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?

Timmy: I went to a concert.

Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?

Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

Someone who COUNTS BARS all day!

I got sad today.

I was playing hide-n-seek with my dad and he hid, but I could never find him till this day.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

They didn't burn witches back in the day, they burned bitches.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

It's a Italy day outside the fields.

Orthodox Christians are a little slow; they take 13 days to get the joke. So go easy on them, alright?

America's police phone number is 911 because that is the day they lost everything.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

Hey guys! Just a reminder that the guy below me is a crying bitch! Have a good day!

The way you are so ugly your parents even regret the day you were born.

The way you are so black when your mom is bathing you in the dark, she has to put flour in the water to see you.

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