Day jokes

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

What do you call crocodiles that don't say "swim" every day?

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

There was a man. He took a right. He took another right. He took a last right. Why did he stop?

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Why did the orphan go outside the school?

Answer: Because it was take your parents to school day.

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

So the other day I saw a homeless man. He tried to mug me. I let him.

I had nothing on me either. (I'm on the next block over.)

I woke up in my bed today.

They didn't burn witches back in the day, they burned bitches.

Orthodox Christians are a little slow; they take 13 days to get the joke. So go easy on them, alright?

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

America's police phone number is 911 because that is the day they lost everything.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."