Day jokes

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

What’s the difference between an emo and a pack of Oreos? The emo’s barcode gets longer every day.

I poo 11 times a day.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

One day, I was just chillin', being a tower. I saw a plane, but it was slowly growing.

Then it hit me.

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?

Because they don't have a Father's Day.

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

What did the water say to the cup?

"Good day!"

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.

Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

He only took a day off.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.