Day jokes

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Adam.

Hello there, have a good day!

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

What did the Hiroshima survivor say about the day Little Boy dropped? "It was a blast!"

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African child. They eat spare change, I guess.

I always talk to my taco before I eat it.

One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."

I fucked a Pokemon the other day. It is dead now.

you.

Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.

They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.