Dating jokes

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!"

SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?"

HE: "I'm a butcher."

SHE: "We're through!"

Yo mama so hairy that bigfoot dated her.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

So 666-3629, so get it?

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

Why doesn't the orphan date the girl?

Because she is a home-y.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

What happened when the fire used Tinder?

He luckily got a lot of matches.

How did the Iron and Gold start dating?

They met on TINder.