Dating jokes
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
Where did the cow go on his first date? To the moovies.
Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
An HDMI cable and an electrical outlet went on a date. It didn't go well, because they couldn't connect.
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.