Dark Humor

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

What did one depressed kid say to the other?

Hey, wanna hang together?

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?

Hitler knows when to kill himself!

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

What do a mag and a clip have in common? They are both good at school.