Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
Q: What do you call a blind German man?
Q: A not-see (Nazi).
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments.
What do a mag and a clip have in common? They are both good at school.
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
Mexican runs into a wall. He loses hope.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
