My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.
Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?
A: I'd hit that.
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
Dark humor is like water.
Not everybody gets it.
What did the kid say to the emo?
"Don't leave me hanging!"
What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?
I don’t like the taste of broccoli.
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
I saw this kid who looked depressed, so I threw a torch at him. I thought I would brighten up his day.
What's the difference between an emo and a banana?
They both hang like apples.
What do u call a lesbian dinosaur?
I like alottopuss.
A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.
The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"
What was the first thing Thanos snapped?
Loki’s neck.
Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.
Orphan: How come?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
Orphan: . . . .
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
I had to write an essay about Africa, and I failed because I plagiarized the Hunger Games script.
How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
