Danger jokes
I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
Are you a toaster?
Because I wanna take a bath with you.
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
When you’re in India and you start hearing a tick, tick, tick, tick, you run!
My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour?
Stopping it with a pitchfork.
I love jumping off cliffs.
What do you call a criminal?
Disarmed and dangerous.
Little Johnny went to the beach, found some cocaine, and died. The end.
The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.
"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"
Sally: "You..."
Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"
Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."
Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"
Johnny: "A pig."
Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "
Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Hey guys,
I'm starting to think they don't have any candy in this van...
I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.
Gather 6 friends to play Russian roulette, and one's mind will be blown away.
You're more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark.