They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if its poisoned.
then the antidote becomes the most important
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
what's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag ones plastic and dangerous to play with the other is to carry groceries.
A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
What weighs 5 oz and is very dangerous.
A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
A: Free delivery.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
