Dad jokes
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?
Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.
Mom: Can you hear them?
Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.
Mom: Why do you think that?
Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?
'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.
Your eyebrows run away like your dad.
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
My dad is unlucky.
I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!
My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.
The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;
Yo mama is so fat your dad could never get away.
My dad has a pretty shitty job.
Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.
There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"
She replies with, "These are my headlights."
He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."
So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."
Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"
Why doesn’t my bully get a dad joke? Oh, ya, ummm...
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!
Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!
Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)
Hey Siri, where is my dad?
Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!
Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
...WhAT-
Your dad's a cunt.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.