Dad jokes

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

Why did Morgan’s dad leave her?

She kept making dad jokes.

There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

So I'm a cow, guess what my dad thinks of that? He says I'm a loooosmer.

Son: Hey, Dad, why is my name Dick?

Dad: Oh, because a dick fell on you when you were born.

Son: Ohhhhh, so that's why I'm gay.

What do you call a pig doing a karate chop?

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

My dad is like a unicorn.

He's never here. :c

A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Penis enters my dad and sister.

My dad left me.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!