Cut jokes

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.

To whoever you are, you are loved.

I only cut to find out if I'm real or cake.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?

To take care of his erectile dysfunction.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

I wasn't cut out for running today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.

I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.

What was the Roman Empire cut in half by?

A pair of Caesars.

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."