Cut jokes

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.

How did the emo kid compliment the other emo kid? He said, "I like your cuts G."

I saw this girl with blue hair and slapped her wrist and said, “NICE CUT G!”

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

Q: Why aren't emo jokes funny?

A: They always seem to cut a little too close.

What's the difference between a watermelon and an orphan?

One you cut into 2 with a knife.

And the watermelon you cut into pieces.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board!

John, I like your cut, G.

This is how animals were named.

"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?

"Bison. Perfect."

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."

I'm gonna open up a bar for emos.

I think I'll call it "The Cutting Board."

How do you cut your grass without a lawnmower?

You dye it blue and it will cut itself.

Yo mama so fat that if we cut her open, we could stop world hunger.

Don’t cut yourself up about it.

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

Emos,

They're always a cut above the rest.

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)