Cut Jokes

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What does the hare say to the other hare? You look nice with your hare cut!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.