Crime jokes

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

I only kidnapped orphans because they have no parents to report them missing.

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."

What's black on top and white on the bottom?

rape.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Not done yet.

Now they are.

Why was the guitarist arrested?

He fingered a minor.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?

A 9mm.

If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.

They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!

What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.