Crime jokes

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

I only kidnapped orphans because they have no parents to report them missing.

Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.

If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.

They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."

What's black on top and white on the bottom?

rape.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Not done yet.

Now they are.

Why was the guitarist arrested?

He fingered a minor.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?

A 9mm.

What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."