Crime jokes

What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?

A 9mm.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"

What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

Why was the guitarist arrested?

He fingered a minor.

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?

White vans.

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

What's a child abuser's favorite song?

"Just Beat It!"

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!