Crime jokes
I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.
Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
Memes
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six-offender.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
Why did the orphan commit mass murder?
To be on top of the wanted list.
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.