Crime jokes

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

What makes suicide illegal?

Getting caught.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.

Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six-offender.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.

Why did the orphan commit mass murder?

To be on top of the wanted list.

"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."

- Bill Cosby

What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?

A pedophile.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.