Crime jokes
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
What's a pedophile's favorite type of garden?
A kindergarden.
The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."
No one.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?
White Vans.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.