Crime jokes

Roses are red, my name is Dan...

TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!

Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!

Will: Yey!

Beverly: What should we bring him?

Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!

Why did the rape victim cross the road?

Because she was a chicken!

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.

Stop the cap.

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and said, "Hot Wheels!"

How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?

About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.

Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.

I fared it. I ticked the orphan. He jiggled, he was burning, so I did it again.

I dumped the dead, disabled person's body into a dumpster full of rats.

Why were the terrorists upset on 9/11? bcz 1 of the 4 missed its target.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire.

Now we call him hot wheels.

Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.

How dairy!

There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

What's the good thing about child perverts?

They drive slow in a school zone.

Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?

Rapey Santa.

What makes piracy and anti-piracy so unique?

One isn't that of a thief, while the other is as serious as fuck.