Crime jokes
What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White vans.
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?
The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.
I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.
Yo yo Zac, have you Amber HEARD about the Johnny Depp case? ARRRRRRRRRRR!
A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"
what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?
Debris.
If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.
Do orphans love doing crime?
'Cause they want to be wanted.
What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?
They cry...
They scream... with joy.
"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."
Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...
Why did McDonald’s kill somebody because they stole the 12-piece nuggets that will never be seen because of them!
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa?
Sniffing cocaine?
YES SIRRR!
Ol' Mate Shane Warne has sadly passed away. He was probably Australia's Greatest Ever Cricketer. RIP Ol' Mate Warney, died doing what you loved, having gay sex with men and doing cocaine! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Like if you RIP Shane Warne 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”!