Crime jokes
I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.
What's a rapist's favorite scale?
C Minor.
I put glue in a man :)
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"
Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.
Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Not done yet.
Now they are.
Robyn Olive in 10.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?
The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.
My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.
What is Batman's favorite food?
Justice.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.