Crime jokes

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did, and the ended up liking each other and getting married and living happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy actually snuck in Rayne's house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

Someone is adding dirt to my garden!

The plot thickens!

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

What is a paedophile’s favourite symphony?

Amadeus Mozart’s special flute in A minor.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile.

What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.