Crime jokes

How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?

It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.

What did the bee say after the execution? "The criminal has been beeheaded!"

What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.

What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A rape victim!

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term "struggle snuggle."

Why did the MOSFET go to jail?

It had a charge for battery.

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?

A: They drive slow through school zones.

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."