Cousin jokes
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You slept with my cousin but I did too.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
I feel wrong. What does this make us?
Still cousins.
My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.
So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"
I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.
Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"
"Yeah, I'm taking her home."
He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."
When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.
FUCKING MENT
When you look exactly like your dead cousin and everybody thinks she faked her death.
FUCKING MENT
Who is Osama Bin Laden’s secret cousin? Barack Obama or Barack Osama Bin Laden?
My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"
I told him, "Probably a bullet."
My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."
My cousin called me ugly.
Well, I'm pretty sure 90% of her looks could be wiped away with a Kleenex.
It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.
I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"
She started crying.
TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?
My cousin: the other half.
Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:
TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."
Smart kid!