Conversation jokes

Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

Hey, talk to me here!

There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"

One man said, "Do you need 20 bucks?"

The other said, "Do you have that many?"

Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."

Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"

Patient: "What condition?"

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

Colder than the conversation between a fat guy and a Super Model...

I met an African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

What did the priest say to the other priest during baptism?

"We better clean our sex toys before we play with them."

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.

Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."