Conversation jokes

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

South Tower: Man, that was da bomb.

North Tower: No, that was da plane.

SCP-1540 transforms in-front of a d-class:

D-class: Whoa dude, you’re a wolf!

SCP-1540: A am a were.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Snow.

Snow who?

Snow use, you wouldn't get it.

Me: Hey Joe, updog.

Joe: What?

Me: Updog.

Joe: What's updog?

*Facepalms*

Me: Lol in the corner.

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"F... off!"

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What does a glass of water ask a pond?

"Water you doing?"

What does the pond answer?

"Pondering life."

"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"

Student: "I'm not going."

Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

What did the shoes say to the pants?

"SUP, BRITCHES!"

When your friends [are] talking about sports:

Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁

Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱

Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?