Condom jokes
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.
Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.
Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.
A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"
Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."
"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"
You're so bald that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken condom.
What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A. Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
What did the hot dog say to the condom? "Hot dog condom style."
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
What's the difference between a used condom and the UCP?
The condom was actually useful at one point.