Comparison jokes
What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?
I don't have a girlfriend.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
What's the difference between a rock and a woman?
The flat ones get skipped.
Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.
Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."
Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"
Someone: . . .
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples are actually picked.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Your hairline looks like the McDonald's logo!
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
You're so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like one!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?
A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
A: One got to finish a race.
What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?
Girls: 🙏 *Period* ✍️💅
Men: 🗿 *Growth* 🗿🗿🗿
Bro, you can't be talking. You built like Barney the dinosaur. Barney is a dinosaur with dinosaur sensation.
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.