Comparison jokes
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
Memes
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.
Yo forehead so big, NASA thought it was Mars.
What do emos and the Twin Towers have in common? There were two, but now there are none.
Your forehead's so big, it makes Kanye's ego small.
Yo hairline be lookin' like Elmo's toe fungus.
Not totally a joke but... What do all these rape joke naysayers have in common with rapists? They are also forcing themselves on others.
Q: What is Trump?
A: An oversized oompa loompa.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.