Comparison jokes

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?

There's brains all over the place.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

What's the difference between an ugly monster and you?

Nothing.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?... one gets picked.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?

When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?

A: Because there's a Target on every corner.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?

Both are sick and twisted.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.