Comparison jokes

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

Your hairline is farther back than the Mexican border.

What's the difference between a baby and a potato? 140 calories.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?... one gets picked.

Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?