Comparison jokes

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?

Both are sick and twisted.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What's the difference between a baby and a potato? 140 calories.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

What's the difference between an ugly monster and you?

Nothing.

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.