Comparison jokes
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
What makes Squidward and a Quandale Dingle the same?
They both got them big parts.
Yo momma so fat, her belt size is E for Equator.
What's the difference between a feminist and a pig?
There isn't one; they are both the same thing.
Your hairline is more bent than James Charles' gender.
Your hairline is so bald, Mr. Clean even said it's bald!
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
They say people can have a sharp mind. Yours is like a dull knitting needle.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?
You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.
What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?
I've never seen the inside of a mansion.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
Yo mama is so fat, she couldn't even fit through the rabbit hole at first because she ate like a damn pig last night when we had dinner.
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.