Comparison jokes

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

What's the difference between a pig and a police officer?

The pig smells better.

Your mom is heavier than Mariah can even carry.

Your forehead is so big even Mega Mind knew you were smarter.

Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.

Bro, I thought your hairline was the Dorito logo.

What's the difference between your dad and a boomerang?

The boomerang comes back.

Two cunts are better than one, but one cunt is better than none.

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can't use a pitchfork to get the bowling ball out of the truck.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

Roses are red, just like your lips.

Mountains are big, just like your tits.

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?

I've never seen the inside of a mansion.

How do you know someone has Down syndrome?

They're doing better than you.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A saltshaker.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and the people at the old folks home?

They both collapsed.