Comparison jokes
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Your hairline is so bad people thought you were Vegeta!
You are so cat.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
1, 2 you built like a dork.
3, 4 you got no girl, 4, 5 you're shorter than a remote.
People are like trees...
If you hit them with an ax multiple times, they'll fall over.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What's the difference between an emo and a banana?
They both hang like apples.
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
Nice! Angry Birds really has improved.
Your forehead is so big, I thought it was a brick wall.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
My ex.
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
What do White Castle sliders and Michael Jackson have in common? They have their meat in tiny wet buns.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower?
One is beautiful.
What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?
What's the difference between a guy and a woman? They fall from different heights.