Comparison jokes
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
Memes
His perfect pet
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples are actually picked.
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
What is the difference between Putin and Hitler? Putin no longer supplies gas and Hitler gives it away for free.
When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.
What is the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
140 calories.
What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
Damn, bitch, you got a big ass for a head!
Your forehead is so big and shiny it looks like a solar field.
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.