Comparison jokes

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

What is the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

140 calories.

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.

Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"

What is the difference between Putin and Hitler? Putin no longer supplies gas and Hitler gives it away for free.

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.

What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?

It's legal to get stoned.

What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.

Damn, bitch, you got a big ass for a head!

Your forehead is so big and shiny it looks like a solar field.

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.

You're so skinny, you could travel through a fax!

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.