Comparison jokes
What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.
Walking is just running with extra steps.
When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?
There is no difference.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!
VVD [is] better than Sergio Ramos.
What does the depressed person say to the happy person?
"Damn, I wish I was on the stuff you're on, lol."
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?
They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.
Uh!!!
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
Danny Devito looks like one of those men with a short, yet thick penis.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Nice belt!"
A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."
The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain." And the banana says, "Can we please change the subject?"
Women have less rights than a NASCAR track.