Comparison jokes
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.
What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?
One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.
What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?
One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...
People are like trees...
If you hit them with an ax multiple times, they'll fall over.
What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
What's the difference between a baby and a mansion?
I've never seen the inside of a mansion.
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
Me.
The joke is as short as me.
Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
What’s the difference between a mushroom and a tree?
One's a fucking tree.
What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?
They're both crazy and now dead.
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.
If you're ever bored, pee on an android. Apple is better!