Comparison jokes

Wanna know what's worse than 5 babies in one dumpster?

1 baby in 5 dumpsters.....

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

Me: Cobain!

Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.

Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.

You know a baby bottle looks kinda like a penis... Also sausage and hotdogs too.

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!

Boy, look at your hair. It be looking like the McDonald's symbol.

My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

My new stepfather told me that I'm his new son, so I said okay.

My stepfather said that my and your mom have a few things in common. I said, "Yeah, like what?" My stepfather said, "Well, you came out of your mother's pussy; I eat your mother's pussy. You used to suck on your mother's tits; now I suck on your mother's tits. Your mother used to smack you in the ass when you act up; now I smack your mom in the ass now. Your mother calls me daddy; now I am your new daddy."

What's the difference between Madlen Makan and Stephen Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead.

I hate this website. It's retarded and 4chan is better.

Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"

What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.

What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?

One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?

One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...