Comedy jokes
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Scrolled through all of them, still haven't laughed.
Michael has canceled his upcoming dates. They were Tommy, age 9, and Bobby, 11.
How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?
It never gets old.
Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent!
Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.
People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"
And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"
I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?
Pot wheels.
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Those t.p. jokes are getting shittier by the second.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton laugh at the joke?
A: He broke his funny bone!
What do 9/10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?
"I don't get it."
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"